I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
