you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
