At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
