Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
