"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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