I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
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How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
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I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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