I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Is Oprah even human
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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