The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
