I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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