Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
