Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
