Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He shit in the fireplace
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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