Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
