No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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