When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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