So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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