Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize