i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
