Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
