why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
