I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
