She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
