I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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