I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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