Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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