My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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