I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
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He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
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My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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