I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
look no pants
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize