I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
