The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
