Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
