Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
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It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
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WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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