I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
