It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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