but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
