My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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