people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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