Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
