guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I love you.
Bad choice
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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