I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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