I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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