Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
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On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
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You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
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