I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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