How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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