I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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