OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
