so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
