I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
