life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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