So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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