Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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