When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
