Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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