I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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