you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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